Infuse your life with action. Don’t wait for it to happen. Make it happen. Make your own future. Make your own hope. Make your own love. And whatever your beliefs, honor your creator, not by passively waiting for grace to come down from upon high, but by doing what you can to make grace happen… yourself, right now, right down here on Earth.
It’s been a rough few months. Running away from your problems is never the answer, though; I don’t think I was running away; just taking a break. My dear friend of 20 years promised me safety.
He did exactly that. I was locked away safely in the middle of Nowhere, Texas, away from everything. No internet, no friends, no social outlet whatsoever. At first it was nice, the hummingbirds, squirrels, deer, peacocks, watching from the window, every day. Just that, every day, except for the walk (only on the paved roads) that I took my pooches, you see, everything in the world is dangerous; from chigger bites to people we don’t know.
Not from my eyes anyway.
My son and I decided I needed to be back home, in the tiny one bedroom apartment, where the kids play in the courtyard when it gets cool enough outside. The spur, that takes me to the gardens or anywhere else I need to go around town. Even the pooches remembered which apartment was ours.
Since I was gone, the income got severely cut in thirds, I hadn’t worked since I was in my hiding space. The bills were due and the grocery budget got spent on pizza rolls and Campbell’s soups- Fine for one, but not two.
I immediately scheduled myself back to work and pushed all the due dates out for the bills as far as I could so I could come up with a game plan. Time was running out and fast, dealing with Social Workers and the VA trying to get temporary help while we get our ducks in a row.
My daughter came back from Costa Rica the same week I came back from my reclusion, with no money on hand and only half a tank of gas, I was not much help getting her settled. We finally put our heads together and got her back home safely to her father’s. My predicament was no place for a 3rd person to carry with no immediate income.
The weight and worry really started sinking in. No matter the mantras, meditation, yoga or any other self-care ritual I tried would work. I haven’t even had a glass of wine in 14 days. The hopelessness was winning. Our food pantry consisting of soup cans and rice and beans; oh and a box of steel cut oatmeal. Food rations for sure. I would handle what I needed to and then go back to bed. Our phones got shut off yesterday, which really added to the desperation, the dark shadow of failure was ever consuming. This morning it won.
A last ditch effort to drive to the VFW unannounced with no appointment was a no-go. At this point I stopped pretending everything was going to be alright. Because it wasn’t, we are riding on fumes. maybe we might get a boost to keep us going, but then what? Right back where we are now.
I suggested to my son, let’s go to the food pantry, maybe we can get some staples to stretch until we get our grocery budget for the month. With no GPS, we manage to find the facility. The line isn’t so long and As I wait my turn, the feeling of hope started creeping back into my bones- The young mom of 4 in front of me, the homeless man and his dog, the young couple just starting out. The volunteers were super friendly and entertaining, there was even music playing from a nearby parking lot.
When it became my turn, the box of food was so heavy a young man had to help carry it to the car. Sweet potatoes, fresh ears of corn, salad mixes, chicken and fish; such a sight after living on beans and rice the last few days, even a few cans of dog food.
As we headed back home, a fresh new game plan showed up in plain sight. My son gets his little benefits check tomorrow, we can pay what we can and keep on trucking, with a phone getting turned back on I can start making phone calls to get things lined back up again, and I go back to work next week.
Everything is going to be just fine; I just needed a box of hope.
With Hugs and Hope