Fears and Expectations

Forgiveness is the economy of the heart… forgiveness saves the expense of anger, the cost of hatred, the waste of spirits.

Hannah More

 

As my landmark birthday rapidly approaches, I find myself pondering the experiences I have undertaken just in the past year.

About this time last year; I was fatally dancing with sadness and believing my life was at its peak.  It wasn’t going to get any better than this.  I knew I was just dealt a really bad hand and I was lucky to be taken care of as bad as it was.

Then, I got brave and smart.  You know how that story goes; I have recited it many times and it was only the beginning of the rest of my life…….

I have seen things that I thought only belonged in dreams.  I’ve heard, smelled, tasted and felt pure happiness.  I dance in the rain and sing in the wild like there isn’t a care in the world.  I can genuinely smile, and love and no amount of badness can stop me!

As I have learned on this journey, there has to be two sides to everything.  If there is a black, then there is a white.  A left then a right.  A front and a back.  Happiness then there has to be sadness.

fear

But, the sadness is off balance.

I see more and more, people build these bubbles around them.  Sometimes it starts off as a child; they don’t receive the foundation of love and security and nurturing, and boundaries and lessons. Learning what is right and wrong.  What hurts and what doesn’t.  As they grow older, they learn a bad lesson, not to trust others- only rely on themselves.  And their bubble gets bigger and bigger to protect the fragile being inside.

We all have a little of this bubble around us.

expectation

My bubble was massive

As I sing and dance and smile along on my wonderful journey, a stone is randomly put in my path and I trip and fall down really hard (because my head is in the clouds and I’m not paying attention to where I am headed.)

I have fallen many times before.  I get angry and shake my fists at the universe wondering why I get knocked off my kiester yet again.  Haven’t I learned enough yet?  Apparently no.

Fears and expectations.

The lesson for me this time as I circle back around and work another layer of that proverbial bubble; is fear and expectation.  This is a toughie.  You see, I still have expectations of how things should be or how people interact.  I still feel like I need to be in control of everything.  But, as you see the words on this page it doesn’t make very much sense.  How can I possibly be in control?  I am but a tiny spec in this massive universe.  There are much bigger beings floating around taking care of things I can’t even possibly see or even fathom it is happening.  I am only a servant.  I have to learn to let go, trust, and have faith.  I only have the power to control me.  My behavior, my actions, my reactions, my acceptance.

him

Once I realized I cannot control, or expect a specific result or action; the weight just lifted off my heart.  I then started changing my thinking pattern to what I can control and that is whether I want to learn and grow from these lessons and go back to dancing and singing in the rain.

Fear is the same way.  Usually, a fear stems from the unknown.  My mind goes into overdrive, and

I start creating worse case scenarios that may or may not happen.  If I stop and pin point what exactly it is that is scaring me,

I can break it down into more manageable pieces, and chances are, it is my reaction that causes the particular scary outcome.

I feel like this is another one of my rambling stories with no conclusion, so I will try to make one up….

When you are feeling an emotion that you are expecting a particular outcome, when that power belongs to someone else; stop and think and look at it from your shoes.  What can you do to change the outcome?

Thank you for reading and if you have thoughts please feel free to share.

Within you Without You

We were Talking

About the space between us all

And the people

Who hide themselves behind a wall of illusion, never glimpse the truth

Then it’s far too late-when they pass away

We were talking

about the love we all could share

When we find it, to try our best to hold it there

With our love

We could save the world-if they only knew

Try to realize

It’s all within yourself, no one else can make you change

And to see you’re only very small

and life flows within you and without you

We were talking

about the love that’s gone so cold

and the people who gain the world and lose their soul

They don’t know-they can’t see

Are you one of them?

When you’ve seen beyond yourself

Then you may find, peace of mind is waiting there

And the time will come when you see

we are all one

and life flows on within you and without you

Lyrics by the Beatles

Dedicated to John Kauffman

My brother,  a soul that was too good for this world 

Perfect Love

He is perfect in his being

Like a flower, each petal represents each facet of his personality

Perfectly shaped

Each curve and bend uniquely formed

I do not want to touch for fear of changing or crushing

His perfection

His music flows through my heart and soul and fills me with love and bliss

I watch as my eyes well up with his warmth

The love that surrounds me is just a taste of heaven

as his soul flows through me like a river of warm milk and honey

washing away my fear and shame

 

To the one I love – your love roars louder than my demons