Growing Pains

Take chances, make mistakes. That’s how you grow. Pain nourishes your courage. You have to fail in order to practice being brave.

Mary Tyler Moore

I am still off work waiting for the medical system to get off its ass and do something, so in the meantime, I am trying to make ends meet.  I ran out of money months ago, so, here I am floating on my raft in the middle of the ocean, making the fumes last as long as possible. 

I am not what society considers young anymore, hell; not even middle aged.  And according to these shows on Netflix, I am old.  Over the hill even.  55 is the new 80, so where’s my fucking walker?  

Am I even still viable in the workforce if and when I do get back on my feet again?

I have been doing some positive affirmation exercises every day to keep my mind positive, Abraham Hicks and her 22 days of positive affirmations. 

So, I googled websites that offer contract jobs, renting my car out, even jobs like lyft or anything at this point that is still legal, so I can pay my bills. 

 In my attempt to find simple work, I set up an account with Upwork, one of  those sites that offer contract jobs. Something I can do at home.   Did my first job and got paid 10 bucks.  Woohoo! I thought to myself, maybe I can do this. 

So, today, I bid on a contract for a proofreading gig.  I got a response, so, I followed the reps request and he instructed me to do an interview via skype. Being only my second day doing this,   I spoke to the rep and then he sent me an online interview link and within 30 minutes or so, I was hired.  Wow, me, I actually got a good paying gig.  It was for a magazine and they would pay me $20 dollars an hour.  This was perfect!  Even if I could only work a few hours a day, it would be enough to stay afloat and I could pick up some more contracts to make enough to survive. 

I waited as instructed, so they could connect me with a local vendor so they could send me the equipment I needed to the job, kinda like when I worked for that tax company.  So, far, no red flags came up, in my mind anyway.   Even the Hire proposal looked legit.  The HR person did ask me for my banking info, so they could set up direct deposit.  Because I don’t really have a bank at this time, I told her for now; it would have to be checks.  She had me keep the skype open so, when she contacted the vendor, we could exchange info. 

I was on top of the world!  I got a gig! And for a famous magazine!  Maybe all my positive affirmations were finally working!  Maybe things were finally rolling my way!

Then, a few hours had passed.

  Nothing.

 My monkey brain started thinking, why is this taking so long?  I went back in to upwork, and the bid was gone.  So was the email that was sent.  Huh?   So, I dug a little deeper, the name of the HR lady, surely she has a linkdIn account, there must be something linking her to InStyle magazine.

  Nothing.

   Huh? 

I started googling scams.

  Sure enough.

  I went back through all the info that I sent, and lucky for me, nothing that could be stolen. Not that I have anything to steal.   Wow.  I got scammed. 

The funny thing was, I wasn’t upset.  I was just someone with hopes of landing a contract and these folks were good.  Luckily they were caught and their proposal got taken down.

 A few weeks ago even, I would’ve taken this personally, that the universe wasn’t going to let me get ahead that this was a personal attack on me, because, I was not worth having good things happen to me. 

But, that wasn’t where my monkey mind went.   I saw it as a learning lesson and I grew from it.  Now I know what to watch out for. 

While I was on cloud nine, thinking I was hired at InStyle Magazine making 20 bucks an hour, proofreading blogs, I changed my profile to a writer, an author and blogger; I also included the anthologies that I contributed to that are published.  I also included my classes and how I specialize in narcissistic abuse and recovery. 

I wouldn’t have had the nerve to do that until I had this great job. 

That is my dream. 

And even though I got scammed; for a few hours, I was a freelance content writer and a Transformational Life Coach that specializes in narc recovery. 

And that, my friends,  made for an awesome day.  

With Hugs and Hope Diane

Dreams

Hold fast to dreams, for if dreams die, life is a broken-winged bird that cannot fly.

Langston Hughes

I’ve been watching this show on Netflix called “In the Dark”    It’s basically about a girl that turns blind at about 14.  The scene takes place 7 years later, as she is 21 now.  She is basically a spoiled brat, drinks too much and doesn’t listen to anyone. 

I relate to this girl.  She is blind.  Maybe I am too. 

She has a guide dog, named Pretzel. 

When I came back to my old stomping grounds, I just knew life was gonna be an adventure again.  It certainly has been that.   I got the privilege of seeing my childhood bestie’s family from a time not so forgotten.

 Lost a very close father figure for me. 

When we arrived here, my son and I were very grateful and excited for new opportunities, for better dreams to come.  My son, spending some time with his paternal family; me as well. 

I needed to know that I was still capable of taking care of myself.  In the last 3 years; I have certainly done that. 

I found my dream job- A Park Ranger.  I even bought a 5^th wheel trailer and moved where I worked.  A campground nestled in the Sierra Nevada Foothills.  Sure beat working in a cubicle somewhere

 A lake, boathouse, beautiful scenery and wildlife everywhere

My co-workers had been working here for 15-20 years or more, so I was the outkast…the newbie.  I have always been a little different, I get used to being someone’s novelty; so it didn’t really bother me at first about everyone wanting to know who I was and why I kept to myself all the time.  Until the rumors started getting vicious:

Who I dated, or presumed to be dating; male co-workers being too flirty, to the point of feeling uncomfortable, me being a  gold digger  and so on…..

I had been a Supervisor for 3 seasons, even “Covid Season” I’ve even experienced a brand new RV have its brakes fail and the wife flew out of the window and died.  It’s been a learning experience for sure. 

I am learning and growing you see.  I am not that 19 year old, sporting a kid on my hip looking for a father and husband any more.  I had to know I was able to take care of myself.   And I did just that.  Even with the bullying and name calling at that very place that was supposed to be my home. 

I wasn’t exactly a farm raised daughter.  I had to figure things out on my own.  All the men I tried to make a home with that had other intentions.  I was always told how to behave, and if I didn’t, how I was punished. 

It took a lot of years to break that cycle of abuse and trauma bonding. 

Now, I am learning the difference between walls and boundaries. 

I am also learning, even I can have dreams.  And those dreams can come true. 

With Hugs and Hope

Diane