Finding Clarity by Embracing the Past

Time moves in one direction, memory in another.

William Gibson

 In this very long time and space that I have been given to transform my life, I have spent a lot of time brooding; wondering where the hell I went wrong.  My broken man picker, the mental and physical abuse I’ve endured.  Choices I have made to resolve the injustices- the creation of my alter ego Jennifer, even to the point of me being middle aged with no retirement, car or home.  The folks that have fallen away from my life in the past 3 years

Don’t get me wrong, I am so grateful for what I do have.  My little RV nestled in the Sierra Nevada Foothills.  My kids are both healthy and happy; my one and only granddaughter that is growing up way too fast.  My pooches that have come so far…..

A few weeks ago I had a dream.  It was about one of my childhood friends that was taken from us way too soon.  He took me on a journey in which we were back in our 20’s and showed me what my life would look like now if I had stayed instead of leaving with my mom that day.  My son and his daughter would have grown up together and my son would be an only child.  I would’ve been mostly a stay at home mom, except for a few part time jobs here and there, as I was at that time, not a high school graduate, probably selling weed on the side to make extra money.  I would spend most of my days getting high with our circle of friends, the ones we sold to.  Life would be easy and simple.  My son’s dad would most likely not go into the Navy and neither would my son. 

Like that Star Trek episode, when Picard had the opportunity to go back and change the decisions he made and how it completely altered his course in life. 

I would not have experienced life as I have in this universe -those major shifts that completely altered the direction of my being; moving to a different State and meeting new friends and a new way of life, gleaning those moments of opportunity.  Losing everything I owned which taught me material things were just things, life, love and adventure was the direction of the day. 

Meeting my Catalyst and experiencing my Spiritual Awakening and the Twin Flame Phenomenon.

Even though my experiences were mostly not so great, but in those moments, is what led me to continue with my education and work so diligently to get my Master Certification. The direction of the people around me, my son, my daughter, the opportunity to raise someone else’s children and those experiences that shaped me into who I am today, that created this strong, compassionate woman that wants to reach out and share my stories and help others with the knowledge I have learned. 

I miss those times of talking with Forrest; we could stay up all night.  He was this beacon of light even though he carried so much heaviness.  He loved so much and had so much love to give. 

I woke up from that dream and saw so many different scenarios and shifts that were placed on my path that led me to this time and space.  Even being here and the experiences of the past 5 years and how it has even took me that much farther than if I didn’t listen to the quiet voice in my heart and followed.

Riddled in that dream was also a message for me to keep taking action and keep punching through the shroud until I find the right one, the catalyst of change that catapults me to the quantum leap I’ve been working towards to get to the top of my mountain.

Sometimes, we do need to stop and reflect and look into that rear view mirror, so we can not only see how far we’ve come, but also to see how the choices we made at those times in our lives where we had to rely only on the knowledge we had at that time that shaped us into who we are today and what we are meant to accomplish in this life. 

With Hugs and Hope

Diane

Self-Care as a Catalyst

I really struggle with that feeling of helplessness. That’s why I really try to get my blogs, and even myself, to point to the positive and look at all the inspiring things that are happening.

Daryl Hannah

I found myself in that place again.  The place of nothingness, laying on the couch and this time it was Star Trek reruns. 

I wouldn’t call it depression, just that state of no desire or hope; everything is dependent on a particular outcome and there is nothing I can do about it.  That is how it feels anyway. 

I made myself get up, get dressed and clean my space.  I had made some plum jam for my neighbors, so one of them showed up to get her jar of gooey, sugary goodness.  She told me she had to leave the next day to her other home in the valley and hoped she would beat the rain before it came again.  We talked about reiki and kinetic energy and it reminded me of when I saw my Chiropractor regularly about 20 years ago.  He used quite a bit of Eastern Medicine and would use a drum to connect with my Chi and clear out blockages within my body. 

Then I started remembering the exercises and stretches he wanted me to do in my spare time; most of them dealing with my solar plexus area to help keep the energy flowing.  Apparently, that is where everything gets stuck, even the foods I eat.  Aha!  I realized to myself.  All of this makes so much sense! 

At that time in my life I was married, raising 4 children and working 50 hours a week.  I also managed to keep a reasonably clean home and made dinner every night.  Every night except Friday, even the kids knew; if I came home with a bag of cheeseburgers and fries with a bottle of wine in my hand, leave me alone for a few hours.  I would go straight to the bath.  I would fill it with the hottest water I could stand and use my favorite scented bath oils, turn the heat on high and lay in the tub, letting my body soak and relax all my stress and tension away. 

Now, I live in a tiny home.  I have all of my survival needs met; a roof over my head, a warm place to sleep, food for my belly.  Even a tiny shower with a 2X3 tub-not exactly the relaxation space I need, and the hot water heater feels as if it is the size of a gallon jug. 

So how can I create that space to find my relaxation and do those exercises the good Dr. wanted me to practice and keep my energy moving?  Going outside isn’t feasible right now with it being rainy season.  I couldn’t imagine living in Washington State or in a place that rains all the time.  My seasonal depression would certainly get the best of me.    

I decided to turn on some meditation music and I got on the floor with my neck pillow and iced rice sock.  I slowly started stretching my neck and worked my way down to my hips.  I had forgotten how good it felt to relax those muscles, and how tense I naturally keep my body.  I laid there with the rice sock on the back of my neck for a while where most of my tension resides.  Even the tingling in my arms subsided.  That was probably one of the best night’s rest I have had in a very long time.  When I did climb in bed, I could feel the energy in my solar plexus opening up and the energy flowing like a cool running stream through my body, like it is supposed to.  I felt that familiar comfort of Spirit wrapping her arms around me as I drifted off to sleep. 

With everything happening and not happening right now, self-care is so needed.  I can lay here and watch reruns on my TV or I can practice what I am trying to teach; the time passes just the same.  If I am given the opportunity to choose which world I wish to live in, it is the world where I am doing those things that I feel joy and accomplishment.  Not being stuck where I am right now. 

The biggest lessons I am learning as of now is balance and how much I do have control of what is happening around me.  I am not in survival mode anymore, I am in Thrival mode.  I don’t remember ever being here before; it really takes some thought and practice to not slip back in that space and those habits that I used just to survive that I don’t need anymore.

Every day is a new day and every day, we have the opportunity to make today anything we want; from staring at the boob toob all day or practicing balance and self-care.  There are a lot of things out there that we cannot control, and outcomes are one of them, but we can control what we do and how we respond to those outcomes and keep taking those steps forward, no matter how small or insignificant they feel.  Because, in 6 months from now, I am going to look back and see how much farther I have come by doing these baby steps than if I did nothing at all. 

That is what keeps me motivated to continue on with my dreams.

With Hugs and Hope, Diane

The Importance of Meditation

The garden is growth and change and that means loss as well as constant new treasures to make up for a few disasters.

May Sarton

Starting a meditation routine is one of the most fundamental practices you can develop if you want to gain control of your energy and learn how to quiet your mind to make those changes in your life. 

At its core, all you have to do is sit quietly and begin to observe the thoughts that run through your head. Focus on the breath, and these thoughts will soon diminish.

There are many techniques and spiritual ideals on the concept of meditation, from prayer to sitting quietly and connecting to your inner being. 

When I started seeing my therapist a little over a year ago and my life was spinning out of control, (it still is, by the way)  One of the first things she taught me was to practice meditation.  Joy taught me to sit in a quiet space in my RV or out in nature and close my eyes and observe the thoughts in my mind, acknowledge them, then gently let them fade like clouds and then draw my focus on my breathing; taking deep belly breaths to clear out that stale energy.  Imagining I am a tree locking my roots into the earth and receiving nourishment from the soil and bringing that feeling all the way through my trunk of my body and then imagining my branches reaching up to the sun and the heavens; then bringing that energy back to my heart center, while keeping the energy flowing.  As I stay in that state, I am connecting to my source energy, Spirit, G-d, or whichever feels true to me.  In that state of quiet, I allow myself to receive the divine downloads or inner guidance, and open my heart to receive the daily gifts that come through my door and find my point of inspiration. 

I can really notice when I am not connecting to my inner self- things tend to spiral.  The Holidays are always stressful, and when I’m not connected to Spirit, I tend to get caught up in the daily drama and spin out. 

This year we decided to meet in the middle and have Thanksgiving together in Phoenix, my daughter in Texas, my son and I in California and my granddaughter in Tucson.  I was so excited!  I haven’t seen my daughter in a few years and my grand since last Christmas.  We rented an AirBnB for the weekend and my daughter would fly out.  It was all planned to the T like I do. 

The day arrived and my son and I left as planned.  We made it as far as Bakersfield and the sun was beginning to set, I knew it was time to fuel up and start looking for a stay for the night.  All of a sudden a tanker came out of nowhere and pit maneuvered my little car and spun us into the traffic coming the other way.  I jerked the wheel to miss the other cars and we landed into a guard rail totaling my car.  We escaped the accident with only a few bruises.  I was damn determined to not disappoint my grandchild, so the next day I got a rental and we carried on.  Of course this pushed our time back a day and I still had to pick up my daughter from the airport; forgetting the time change from Cali to Arizona; my daughter had to wait until we got there, 5 hours later.  Holiday traffic.   We still had to drive 2 hours to Tucson to get my grand.  We made it to the BnB about 9 that eve and still had to buy Thanksgiving dinner, so off we went to the only major box chain still open.  Finally at 11 that eve, I could rest with a few glasses of red.  The rest of the weekend went as well as 4 people that haven’t spent any time together could.  The night before it was time to leave, I got very ill.  The next day my Asthma was in full swing with the coughing fits; every time I coughed, it would trigger an Asthma attack-about every 20 minutes and I was the one driving.

We made it home without too much of a hitch and I still had the rental car and my accident to deal with.  Three days later my kitty Kizmet became very ill and had to take him to the emergency vet and he had congestive heart failure.  I had to say goodbye to my special furry friend.  Since he was an orphan we gave him the same birthday as my grand.  He didn’t quite make it to 3. 

They totaled out my car and the settlement was just enough to pay off the car loan, leaving me without resource to buy a new one.  I am still off work due to my injuries and not much income to do anything else but survive. 

After the dust settled and after everything that has happened; a year ago, I would’ve been screaming at the Universe as to why is all of this shit happening to me?  Why G-d, why? 

I did curse a little, but, that silent nudging voice that I know, reminded me of how we were protected in that accident and maybe Motie didn’t belong anywhere else but here in his mountains where he loved to hunt and roam and I knew this is where his soul belonged.

After all the shit swirling around; I enhanced my morning connection to my inner being and I knew deep down;  and after all, I have been here many times before, that everything IS going to be okay.  The stuff that is happening is part of the divine plan of making the changes that needs to happen so I can be propelled into the new adventure that I am co-creating. 

It always seems to feel like I am being pushed to the very edge, and I wonder if I am being tested as to how I am responding to the push.  I kinda think it’s gonna happen anyway, whether we scream, halt our feet and try to hide in the walls of despair or we stay connected to our inner being and sit quietly in meditation, so we can hear the quiet voice of Spirit telling us  “I got you, everything is gonna be better than okay”. 

With Hugs and Hope,

Diane

Abandonment

1.   Cease to support or look after (someone); desert.

2.   Give up completely (a course of action, a practice, or a way of thinking).

Loneliness is my least favorite thing about life. The thing that I’m most worried about is just being alone without anybody to care for or someone who will care for me.

Anne Hathaway

I think about my father from time to time.  William creeps into my memories every once in a while, especially when I am feeling at my lowest.  Remembering how he disowned his own children. 

You know those times, when you are forced to get out of bed because your two pooches need to go outside.  Even mama jumped off the bed this time, I guess she was making me get up.  I think she knows. 

Every day becomes the same.  I let the dogs out, make a cup of coffee and try to decide if I am going to watch TV all day or try to look like everything is okay- even though it isn’t.  This time I couldn’t bring myself together.  I made an appointment with Joy; everything just made me weep.  It was doomsday again.  She told me to cry it out.  Then as our session was coming to a close, she said “This is when we need to have the most faith that everything is going to work out. “And she told me to just focus on making it through the day. 

The power was going to be off the next day, so, I knew I had to prepare.  And, my home was a mess.  I had to make sure the pooches were gonna be cool enough without A/C.  So, I planned a pool party in my backyard under the gazebo in the kiddie pool; the dogs and me.  I was also going to teach those girls that pools of water are safe; some snacks and peach sweet tea for me. 

There was enough gas in the generator to at least keep the fridge running.  I did a load of laundry and cleaned my tiny home. 

You see, I was lashing out at everyone and everything; the walls were closing in again.  

I lost a lot of ‘friends’ the last few months or so.  Not caring if they had their own shit or not.  It was all about me this time.

When I still lived in my house on Lilly St.  I could bring a friend to my house, (if he was too tipsy to drive,) let him crash on the couch and took him back to the bar the next morning.  I never had anyone be rude or inappropriate to me or even have to worry about it.

But, not anymore; I lost hope for humanity.  Especially the species of men.

I really let myself go, hairy legs and all.  I didn’t care anymore; my future was too far away for me to reach.  I was slipping through the cracks of nothingness, I was completely disappearing again. 

I woke up in the morning at our usual time; noticed Motie, the tuxedo cat, still curled up, sleeping by a pillow on the bed.    I picked up my phone to check the time and I noticed I still had Wi-Fi.  We got up; I still had lights on the microwave, I wondered why we still had power. 

The air seemed a little lighter today.  I was doing social media like every morning, and an old group I used to have popped up. “Dealing with PTSD. “ I had forgotten all about that page I made in 2016, when I was still with one of many abusers I have encountered.  Needless to say, it didn’t last very long. But, it did remind me of the symptoms of trauma. 

I realized at that moment, I was experiencing an episode.  When your mind gets full of baddies, it gets really hard to pull yourself back.   Awareness is the first step to pull out of a PTSD event.

  For those that don’t know, A PTSD episode is characterized by feelings of fear and panic, along with flashbacks and sudden, vivid memories of an intense, traumatic event in your past.  The dealings with Jim certainly triggered an episode.   It took me a while to get through that one. 

Once I realized what was happening, I could then begin the steps to bring myself back to this moment…today.   I reminded myself that things happen for me, not to me.   Did my mantras and meditations and pulled myself out. 

Every day is work.  I have to wake up and thank G-d and remind myself the Universe is not against me.  I spend the day in the now and appreciate what I do have.  I must have faith the Stars are making way for my plans to a better life and for my peace and that place we can call home. 

With Hugs and Hope

Diane